I feel deflated right now. Why, you ask ? I will be starting a new chapter of my life, from this new city – Haldwani.
Then, how come, am I not excited ? Or maybe thrilled to come across the adventures, I always wanted to go through ?
Why do I feel deflated, when I should be full of enthusiasm. I remember, a week before, I was so full of excitement, I was happy, for I was finally stepping towards a peaceful life.
Was I not having one before ?
Let’s rewind to the part where I bet, you’ll get a hint.
I am from Pilibhit, a small town, a developed ‘village’ to be precise. Where no matter how things have developed or reached to an entire level, one thing, one fact remain unchanged; untouched whatsoever – Mentality of the people. They live, they eat, they enjoy normally, but think differently.
So far, I bet you still don’t have any idea about my not so peaceful life. Believe me, even I don’t! You can laugh, for all I care.
The truth is I was being strong about living here, away from my family. But as soon as the reality started to grasp my mind, I felt my knees loosen, from the fear of getting away from them. Yes, my family.
I never did really live a normal life before. I faced something, more horrendous than my worst nightmare and more disastrous than any natural calamity. Way to go over-dramatic, I know, but the truth cannot be denied.
Now when I look back to those nights, when I couldn’t sleep ( not like I sleep easily now ) because of the terror of that something ; my fear being similar to those , who are either too scared to sleep with the phantoms of their fear chasing their minds, or too haunted by the demons residing within them.
When I couldn’t eat because of this nagging in the dark sides of my mind, when I couldn’t laugh because of an uncertain fear of never getting a good laugh again.- I feel light to be here; away from the dreadful past I lived, till now.
Like every daughter in the world, I have never been my father’s little princess or whatever title, daughters today prefer to use, to describe their relationship with their dads.
My relationship with him was a bond, I think, I could never describe to anyone. Words might fall less for our bittersweet love. He never did consider me a typical loving princess while I always considered him as father.
Tonight, I am living my old life for the last time. I am in that emotional state where my pillow cannot stand the waterfalls, my eyes are currently generating. Tears, I tell you!
Just a few hours ago, while I was pretending to be strong from outside, my father called. I want you to read and understand the cause of my emotional breakdown, through my conversation with him.
Me : Yes papa!
Father : No greetings, no namaste, nothing ?
Me : Sorry Papa! Namaste.
Father : Namaste! What’s going on ?
Me : Just had dinner.
*after a short break of 2-3 minutes*
Father : So, will you be able to live there ? All alone ?
Me : ( No, I cannot, papa! I cannot live a day without your scoldings, your taunts, your accidental care ) Yes Papa, I will.
Father : Will you not miss me ? Or your mother ?
Me : ( Very much! I will miss your surprisingly good yet rare side of yours. I will miss mum’s nonstop scoldings, her food, her love. Most importantly, I will miss YOU. ) No Papa, I will not.
Father : Hm.
Me: ( Say something Papa, I know you will miss me. Say for once. You will miss our fights, our arguments, our rare laughs, our bickering. Say, you will miss me the same way I would miss you. ) Here, talk with mum.
And there my friends, I ended our conversation. That was where, I felt my strength draining from my body. That was where, my fake pretending met its end.
But, what was the reason ? I never liked my father. He was the reason, I couldn’t sleep at nights. ( Another long story for another feely night )
You know, deep inside, you have the truest feelings for someone. No matter what they did or do to you, your feelings won’t budge. They remain same and tonight, at this hour of night, I am high with those feelings.
So feely, that my pillow is tear-stained, my mind is sorrow-filled, yet a new beginning has already arrived at the doorstep of my life.
My heart is full of determination this time and mind you! I will not kick this beginning from my life again.
Because, in spite of getting away from my everything, I will be moving towards my something.
And that something, better not kill my expectations again.