My World of knitted words.


my feelings


I don’t know why did I start writing here. It has been a long time since I have had posted anything here, but still today I couldn’t stop myself.

I am here to write about ‘Depression’. Yes, you heard it right.

Many times in life, there comes a moment when you feel like giving up on everything. You have been suffering for a long time, above all, you cannot seem to share any of your grief with anyone, not even your close ones.

You feel this empty hole in your heart which no matter how hard you try, you don’t seem to fill it up. It starts with a tiny empty hole, which further starts on increasing its size by effectively feeding on your negativity, your sorrows or whatever source it could find its negative energy from.

Today, I read about this terrible incident that took place in K-pop industry. I have been a part of K-pop for a while now; reading and watching the advancements there have always given me some sort of excitement or encouragement to live my life. Why? Because the struggle, the idols of this world go through is no joke.

To become this successful and known, many of them go through severe conditions, but the criticism never stops. This goes for anyone out there who is trying to survive in this world, either hiding or being known to the public. As people climb the ladder of success, they seem to get a lot of criticism; this criticism can either be positive which can actually help them to survive or like most of the times it becomes a deadly push to bring them down to a new world–a horrid world known as depression.

There are two types of depressed people:

  •  Those who can be discovered through their way of accepting the depression and negativity and hence can be given help.
  • Those who after entering into depression, cannot be discovered because they live in a disguise to fool those who live around them.

First type of people, who are not capable of bearing all the pain or negativity, they have been getting from their close ones (yes, even their parents, not everyone is blessed.), or from their surroundings, begin walking on the path of destruction; they start building walls around themselves in order to get that safe feeling–they have been desiring from the start. They keep their thoughts to themselves but eventually, as depression starts to grow on them, it becomes visible on their face. How? When you see someone not being their usual cheery self when you are very much aware that how amiable they once used to be; when you see someone picking on their food, instead of eating it while completely zoning out; when you see someone who used to get engaged in any discussion or argument you have had before, only to find them being in their own created world, then just know, just know that this is the point where you need to step up and help them come out of this misery. Because you never know what would happen next. You cannot be sure of anything but just know if you or anyone won’t help, then the next thing that would come to you as a news, will not be pleasing at all.

Next type is the most dangerous one, as the people coming under this category are very hard to be found with their real self. Why? Because they seem to live their life like nothing has happened to them. They seem indifferent to the tough circumstances they have been going through; they think themselves as fighters–fighting through the tough situations all alone without needing any support or shoulder but what they don’t know is that they actually have not been fighting, but suffering from the pain, all the way from the start. But what makes them hard to get discovered by the people is the fact that they know how to hide their emotion; they wear a mask to hide their true self so that no one would be able to know about what they actually are going through. Why do they feel the need of doing this, when they could have told about this to anyone close to them? Let me tell you the reason. When depression starts to grow up on such people, they start to feel insecure about themselves.

‘What if these people start to judge me?’; ‘what if I start to get more hatred?’; ‘what if after knowing about my situations they start to laugh on my life?’–a number of what if(s) slowly begin surfacing in their mind that they eventually make themselves a mask of fake happiness and wear it to avoid all sorts of questions, that have already started contributing to the tiny hole of depression, and hence, the hole of depression grows.

Today, Jonghyun, a member of a very popular South Korean K-pop band ‘SHINee’ was found dead in his apartment. This disturbed me more than anything. He was young, hell, he was just 27. He was successful, he was popular and as it seemed to many of us, he had everything which we couldn’t have but in the end, he couldn’t survive. Why? Because he was suffering alone and when he found it hard for him to survive anymore, he decided to free himself from his grief.

To say that I am upset would be an understatement. This is not the first time, I have heard of someone committing suicide. From one of my close friend to Jonghyun, there are so many people who couldn’t share their grief with anyone and while trying to live their life that way, eventually gave up.

These people are not here anymore but it is not like depression has ended too. No, it is still here–bringing people’s mental health to the point where they are most likely to be snapped.

Such people need to hear our encouraging words about such mental issues and most importantly, depression.

You guys, depression is not something bad, it can be cured only if you decide to step up and help yourself first. You should know that you are not alone in this world, somewhere, somebody is willing to help you. Mental issues are not a joke and need to be taken seriously. Gone are those days when visiting a psychiatrist was regarded as your unstable mental state; gone are those days when only those people who seemed to have had lost themselves completely were allowed to visit a psychiatrist. This is a modern world and you have to try coming out of that hell-hole, either by yourself or by depending on someone. This someone can be your parents, friends or even a stranger who is willing to help you out in any way. Believe us when we say that we actually are willing to help; there are so many people out there who can help you with sorting out your thoughts, you just need to let your guard down and allow them to be by your side.

At last, I want to express my condolences to Kim Jong-hyun’s family and SHINee fandom for this loss.

You were an amazing person Jong-hyun. It is okay, now you are free. You don’t need to suffer any more of whatever grief you had been suffering from all alone. You will always be loved and missed by all of us. Rest in Peace and may you live a happy next-life without any difficulties.

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Featured post

Towards something, Away from Everything.

I feel deflated right now. Why, you ask ? I will be starting a new chapter of my life, from this new city – Haldwani.
Then, how come, am I not excited ? Or maybe thrilled to come across the adventures, I always wanted to go through ?
Why do I feel deflated, when I should be full of enthusiasm. I remember, a week before, I was so full of excitement, I was happy, for I was finally stepping towards a peaceful life.
Was I not having one before ?
Let’s rewind to the part where I bet, you’ll get a hint.
I am from Pilibhit, a small town, a developed ‘village’ to be precise. Where no matter how things have developed or reached to an entire level, one thing, one fact remain unchanged; untouched whatsoever – Mentality of the people. They live, they eat, they enjoy normally, but think differently.
So far, I bet you still don’t have any idea about my not so peaceful life. Believe me, even I don’t! You can laugh, for all I care.
The truth is I was being strong about living here, away from my family. But as soon as the reality started to grasp my mind, I felt my knees loosen, from the fear of getting away from them. Yes, my family.
I never did really live a normal life before. I faced something, more horrendous than my worst nightmare and more disastrous than any natural calamity. Way to go over-dramatic, I know, but the truth cannot be denied.

Now when I look back to those nights, when I couldn’t sleep ( not like I sleep easily now ) because of the terror of that something ; my fear being similar to  those , who are either too scared to sleep with the phantoms of their fear chasing their minds, or too haunted by the demons residing within them.
When I couldn’t eat because of this nagging in the dark sides of my mind, when I couldn’t laugh because of an uncertain fear of never getting a good laugh again.- I feel light to be here; away from the dreadful past I lived, till now.
Like every daughter in the world, I have never been my father’s little princess or whatever title, daughters today prefer to use, to describe their relationship with their dads.

My relationship with him was a bond, I think, I could never describe to anyone. Words might fall less for our bittersweet love. He never did consider me a typical loving princess while I always considered him as father.

Tonight, I am living my old life for the last time. I am in that emotional state where my pillow cannot stand the waterfalls, my eyes are currently generating. Tears, I tell you!
Just a few hours ago, while I was pretending to be strong from outside, my father called. I want you to read and understand the cause of my emotional breakdown, through my conversation with him.

Me : Yes papa!

Father : No greetings, no namaste, nothing ?

Me : Sorry Papa! Namaste.

Father : Namaste! What’s going on ?

Me : Just had dinner.

*after a short break of 2-3 minutes*

Father : So, will you be able to live there ? All alone ?

Me : ( No, I cannot, papa! I cannot live a day without your scoldings, your taunts, your accidental care )  Yes Papa, I will.

Father : Will you not miss me ? Or your mother ?

Me : ( Very much! I will miss your surprisingly good yet rare side of yours. I will miss mum’s nonstop scoldings, her food, her love. Most importantly, I will miss YOU. ) No Papa, I will not.

Father : Hm.

Me: ( Say something Papa, I know you will miss me. Say for once. You will miss our fights, our arguments, our rare laughs, our bickering. Say, you will miss me the same way I would miss you. ) Here, talk with mum.

And there my friends, I ended our conversation. That was where, I felt my strength draining from my body. That was where, my fake pretending met its end.

But, what was the reason ? I never liked my father. He was the reason, I couldn’t sleep at nights. ( Another long story for another feely night )
You know, deep inside, you have the truest feelings for someone. No matter what they did or do to you, your feelings won’t budge. They remain same and tonight, at this hour of night, I am high with those feelings.
So feely, that my pillow is tear-stained, my mind is sorrow-filled, yet a new beginning has already arrived at the doorstep of my life.
My heart is full of determination this time and mind you! I will not kick this beginning from my life again.
Because, in spite of getting away from my everything, I will be moving towards my something.
And that something, better not kill my expectations again.

First Victim

You heard that sound, that sound of something shattering into pieces. Well, that’s my heart, you see.
I thought of having him reserved, for me forever. But maybe not.
The love in her eyes for him, for my boy was enough to kill me slowly and painfully.


But what I didn’t expect was the need of him ‘of her’. I could see the dark look on his face, the way he was sneaking glances at her. Oh how I used to love those eyes and the need in them.
The lust was clear in the brown orbs of his. I sighed. I knew what was about to happen in that lady’s life.
I knew how long that love was going to last. I knew because I was his first victim.

Try Not To Break It…

Every night I wake up screaming hard,from the nightmares of those monsters of insecurities chasing me down ;all set to stab my isolated heart.

I feel devastated and lonesome,helpless and broken.

But with the rising sun ,every morning,a new hope arises in me;makes me somewhat stronger and more tolerant.

So,every time we speak,remember my heart’s vulnerability and try not to break it!


People often say- ‘Hey you shouldn’t pretend what you are not in real. You should be real. What you are in real,really matters.’

I used to think before a lot on this. Like whether such people are themselves, real or not. No they were not. 

Some day or other you’ll find yourself standing at that point of your life when no matter how hard you tried to be real before,but at that point you will not. 

You’ll be a changed person,maybe sarcastic or maybe more serious about life.
But you won’t be able to show your weak side to the world. 

And henceforth,for them you’ll be anything but surreal.

Live for yourself!

People today have become so mature that probably they have forgotten about this fine line between their ‘maturity’ and ‘insanity’ level.
They are trying to lead their life according to their closed ones (oh how they call those people close) instead of listening to their own hearts.
The life has become so changed for them,for some it is happier; While for others it is not more than a nightmare.
Because you are giving so much importance to those people,other than you.
What can we do now?
Oh well! Let this decision of ‘choosing them over you’ ruin you,or ruin your decision.
Live for yourself kind sire!
People no longer deserve your attention.

Story of My Mother!

“This post is a part of#UseYourAnd activity at BlogAdda in association with Gillette Venus“.
“Either stay in your limits like any wife stay like or leave the damn house!”- Whenever she tried to say something,my father would shut her off.

“Either live like the way I want you to live,or leave the house!”-My mother would hear from him,whenever she would try to cross my dad’s already assigned limits for her.
‘Why this? Why cannot I make a choice? Why do I always need to choose between the two given options. Am I no one to myself?’-My mom would spend her nights,thinking.
She was not tied to do any thing she wanted,it was like she didn’t has the idea of embracing her “AND”.
She always used to try to choose between choices,that too the choices others would put infront of her. She was not allowed to talkback I suppose,that was the reason why she faced so much humiliation.
But with changing time,mom started sensing the importance of her ‘AND’. She raised her voice,as she thought her husband would hear her and let her do whatever she wanted to do. But no! Time changed,she changed,but what didnot change was my dad’s mentality. He shut her down again.
Time passed a bit more,and one day came a lady,who was so close to our family. She asked mom,if she would like to join the school,she was working in. My mom was ready but again,for my family,rituals and traditions were important. Mom’s marriage was quite fresh that time,and her going out the house that too for working,was not correct according to their so called tradition.
My mom remained quiet that time too,for she didnot know the real face of them. Some more years later,after I was born and maybe like studying in class eighth,My granny died because of something complicated. Mom was broken,yet she smiled,maybe for me and my brother (yes he had taken birth too).
Time never stopped passing and life slowly came on the track-well this’s what she thought. I’d grown up by that time and was in class tenth when the whole scenerio started and continued.
Dad was acting strange those days,no sweet talks no laughs,instead his eyes used to stare my mom like she was some criminal. After a whole week of staring thing,my dad decided to do something. Something I couldn’t believe he would do to anyone.
There was this boy and his family who were living in the vacant rooms,present upstairs,as tenants. And that was where all this got started. My dad had started doubting my mom,over that boy;as if her and that boy were involved in a secret affair.
Now,the schedule had changed,so was the dad. Mom used to hear the tantrums,the beatings,but all of all she was surviving and that was enough for her. Maybe or maybe not. Afterall she was a human too like us,after like the torture of two-three months,she decided to not give up now. In our family,’daughter-in-laws’ were not supposed to do any work or to step outside their respective house. My mother had faced everything till the time,she decided to step out of her limits. She started applying for the job in the every school of the city,be it the big ones or say the small ones. But it didnot affect her determination.
From being an idealistic wife,she now also wanted to be a perfect teacher. She had almost erased all the ‘or’ of her life and was already working to accept the things all together. A month passed and there was still no response from the schools,she had applied for. Maybe,because she was not that educated or maybe she was not the one. Oh well,all her doubts got cleared when one fine day she was called from one nearby school to join. Though they agreed to take her in,but the salary was only 600 rupees. That was enough anyway for her,she’d started working because she wanted to forget everyday’s chaos not for the money.
Everything had become quite easy for her now,she would get ready everyday and would go to her school,after doing all the chores,she used to do before joining it. Days were passing so fast and we were growing too. (I and my brother). Mom wanted to make us capable enough to earn something for ourselves in future,unlike our father. For that,she needed to admit us in some CBSE school,but she knew she would need more money for that. She asked dad and to her luck he agreed too,that time we’re financially stable so studying in a good school was not an issue. Again there were my relatives to stand as an obstacle in the path. They tried to distract my mom,but my mom was one stubborn lady and had decided to take this decision,without any compromise.
In the end she succedeed,my grand paa used to say-“You are here to change my son,just change him”.
We had become mature enough to understand our mom’s problem,but we could do nothing about that instead of studying. My brother was still innocent to understand anything,but he was good in studies. So he was not a problem at all.
Mom was worried about me and her worry was breaking her inside or maybe she was transforming into more strong woman. And I was right,she was now more ferocious,straight-forward and talkative woman. She would fight back all the talks dad would do to her,about her affair. She was now one strong woman,and for being one,
she need not to repeat the beatings she was having everyday from dad. Dad and his mentality couldnot be changed but her personality has changed from then to now. If we speak about her current job,then let me tell you she is now working as a teacher in one of the best schools here,with a good salary. My dad doesnot beat her now,but he does torture us mentally. I am now an emotional wreck and still trying hard to be like her;On the other side mom was not at all an emotional freak,maybe she has found the real meaning of her. Now she doesnot make choices,she just does whatever she feels like doing for her children.
Maybe,just maybe my mom’s story is not that interesting to read for you,but she always used to say to me:
“Being a strong woman is not about behaving like a man. Instead, it is about embracing your femininity and showing it to the world, while making sure that you take control of the things that you’re doing and get them done.”
This is why motherhood is one of the best proofs of how strong women can be. Addition to this she is the woman who never cared for the labels people put her with,she created her all labels on her own,without the limits of any one. She is the lady who made me write this story to show all the women the power of faith,belief and most of all the power of “AND”.

Rock the world with your pen.
Ritu ❤

Let your eyes open!

When you feel alone,and think there is nobody to talk with.
Then,my dear readers,you might be living in an illusion.
And believing an illusion,instead of enjoying the reality is definetely no-where near to a good choice.
Mistakes can be improved,so stop yourself committing this mistake of insulating yourself from everyone,because…
Not everyone is the part of your illusion.
Some people are here for you too,so that you can cry,shout and laugh with them.
Only step needed to find them is to let your eyes OPEN.

Rock the world with your pen.
Ritu ❤

Overthinking…and Mental Stress!

What happens when you just start thinking about a certain thing and then end up thinking it again and again.


People would say,”Dude,stop over thinking,you are ruining your life!”
And what if I tell them that ‘My life is already ruined’ from this everyday torture of mental stress. You cannot help,but facing this shit right?
The more you try to stay happy,the more It would reach you to feed upon your mind.
And in case if you would try to share your pain with your so called good for nothing friends,what would be their response?
No,not at all!
They would give you examples of those people who live on the streets,who don’t bother to wear proper clothes,but still do good in everything,be it in staying happy or in their only chance of studying.
Well,my dear friends. Are you nuts or what?
I face this thing called ‘mental trauma’ almost daily,whether I live on streets or stay under the comfy covers,but that doesn’t really matter,yes you heard it right,that doesn’t matter whether I have everything or nothing. Those kids,those people do live in hard situations,but they,almost all,live happily together,without any mental pressure. Their closed ones don’t torture them like everyday my dad do,no not physical torture,but mental torture by his swearings by his blamings.
I cannot help myself in anyway,but still I try to sort out the mess,I create everyday of several thoughts,in my head ofcourse by over-thinking the same thing,same line ruining my mind-‘What is my future,raising in such family,bearing this shit called-domestic violence,without even getting a single slap,but so much of mental trauma which a normal person like you couldnot face.…’
So the lecture ends here,my story is a never ending story,which has no definite reason to change. Now this is what I face,and how this leads to overthinking and mental stress.
Mentally hurt–>Overthinking–>Mental stress–>Depression

Rock the world with your pen.
Ritu ❤

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